Sunday, December 13, 2015


dearest sir.

i feel so mad at you.
and so sad for you.

i dont understand you.

this negativity.
A L W A Y S !
has to be so hard on you.

your new ig name.
makes me think that you are soon going to do the unthinkable.
and it makes me sad that its an option that i can think that.
which makes me mad at you again.

you asked your sister.
why you were such a screw up.

i dont think you are.
i think that you just hide behind that.
you hide behind negativity.
you hide behind hurt.
you hide behind anger.
you hide behind pride.
you hide behind insecurity.

your hiding.
that is what makes you FEEL like a screw up.
but if you would come out of hiding.
i think it would be different.

i think that if you would find yourself.
find yourself in Jesus.
not for someone.
not because of someone.

that you could see that you arent.

you arent even close to a screw up.

i know your worth.

Thursday, November 26, 2015


dearest world.

its thanksgiving.
and im thankful.

the list is so long.

my mom is still with me.
she annoys me to no end.
but she is still here.
and im thankful.

my brother and my sister in law.
hes an idiot.
she puts up with him.
im not sure how he become so blessed.
im thankful for them.

the higgins.
every. single. one.
i cannot get enough of them.
i am thankful that God knew what he was doing.
i am thankful they are in my life.

the graves.
all sets.
pastor. gg.
jenny. harley.
i just know that my life is better.
im thankful.

there is no place like home.
no matter if my life is going crazy.
no matter if the place is just filled with crazies.
its my safe place.
my haven.
im thankful.

my job.
i love it.
and i hate it.
but i love that its stable.
for that im thankful.

the list can go on and on.
but for now.
ill just say, that i dont deserve all the happiness in my life.
but God seems to love me enough to bestow it on me.
im thankful.


Wednesday, November 25, 2015


dearest pho.

thank you for making my life happy.
its the small things that make me happy.

five spice broth.
hot sauce.
plum sauce.

you make me happy!

lover of all things soup.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015


dearest God. 

matthew 5:38-48 in the message says...

Love Your Enemies

38-42 “Here’s another old saying that deserves a second look: ‘Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.’ Is that going to get us anywhere? Here’s what I propose: ‘Don’t hit back at all.’ If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
43-47 “You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
48 In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”
well hello conviction.
its nice to meet you.

yesterday, i was feeling some kind of way.

wrote my feelings about sir.
wrote my feelings about johnny.
wrote my feelings about lost girl.

my feelings about sir.
havent changed.
i will not be a terrible human to him.
i will talk to him.
i will see him.
but i wont seek his friendship.
i will allow him to seek mine if he wants to.
but currently he cannot text or call me. 
i dont plan on changing that anytime soon.
i dont plan on bad mouthing him.
i dont plan on letting others badmouth him.
i dont want to see him as anything other than well.
i pray that You touch him.
that You be what he needs.

show him that You are real.
show him that Your love is the only thing that will make him whole. 
he seeks love with his whole being.
he seeks satisfaction and want. 
he wont find it. in anything other than You.
be his love. be his light. be his God.

about johnny.
i know i should be repentant on how i feel about him.

brother bill says:
You wont give me grace to get over my issue with him.

because the issue didnt start with me.

i dont hope he dies.
i dont hope that someone does to his children
     what he did to the child. 

i just dont care about him.
is that bad? 

is it bad that i dont wish him well.
i dont wish him bad either.
i just dont care.

i hope his wife.
and his children are okay.
i hope they florioush.
i hope that You take care of them.
i pray that they grow up.
in a healthy, God loving manner.

i pray that his mom and family are okay.
i pray that they are blessed beyond measure.

i just dont care about him.

help me to care about him.
help me to be able to pray for him.
and actually care what happens to him.
i dont need him in my life.
You know, i do not want him in my life.
but help me to forgive him enough to care.
about his soul.

no matter the turmoil that he has put us through.
(i say us, because his actions effected and affected many more than he will ever know)
he has a soul. that needs You.
in a way he has never known.
touch his heart Jesus.
keep him away from here.
but touch his heart Jesus.

the lost girl.
i dont feel conviction about her.
i just want her well.
i want her happy in You. 

yesterday i read this blog post
on earth as it is in heaven - it is rainy season again 

i wanted to leave work.
and pray.
     just pray.
i wanted to ask You.
let her see You.
let her see You at work.
let her light shine so brightly for You.

i know that she is hurting.
i know that she might feel lost.
i know all of that.
but please show her... You. 

let her have the eyes to see You.
in the small things.
in the things that hurt.
in her despair.
in her healing.

let her see. You.



Monday, November 23, 2015

lost girl.

dearest lost girl.

with everything in me.
dont stay lost forever.

you are in a place right now.
where you are saying things in your blog.
that give me hope.
you can make it.
come out.
be who you need to be.
who God made you to be.
its not to late. 

you can make it.
breed happiness.
dont blame the child.
find a way to overcome.
to rise.

i believe you can.

the believer. 



you dont even get a dearest.
you are a foul human being.
im not even sure why you get a post at all.
but ive gotta get it out.
all the hate and hurt.
its got to come out.

you are a gross. gross. gross. person.
gross isnt a gross enough word for you.

you cheat on your wife.
destroy your family.
destroy everything within your reach.
all because you are a selfish, lust filled, jerk.

i dont even know the havoc that you put
   the people that supported you through.

but im assuming you hurt them too.
thats just you, you leave a trail of destruction everywhere you go.

you move to portland.
you come to us.
the vast majority, welcome you.
i did. much to my dismay. i did.

you reap the consequences of your actions.
you work a terrible job.
are homeless. 

i let your disgusting self sleep on my couch.
i gave you $200 when you had nothing.
not for any credit or glory for myself.
but because you were my friend.

my mom asked you to help us move.
she told you that she couldnt afford to pay you.
and she couldnt. neither could i.
she couldnt have afforded to put gas in allens truck either.
but you didnt know that.
you only were worried about yourself.
only worried about your rebellion

allen and billie were a light for us.
when you were off destroying a family.
billie was packing my house.
allen was giving us money to pay for gas ourselves.
because august and september were terrible months for us.

putting a little gas in his truck was the only way she knew to pay him back.
you havent been there for us. 
you havent done anything for my mom.
you havent done anything but destroy.

when you told her that she could pay you, 
i almost said something.
because that was, again, disgusting.
but i needed her to know,
what i already knew.

you are a dirtbag.
a filthy, nasty, dirtbag.

i wont even get into the headphones.
but i will add another adjective.
a filthy, nasty, greedy, dirtbag.

lets move on to how you destroyed another group of people.
you preyed on a vulnerable girl.
     (several of them in fact. ew.)
i, myself, told you that the adult was just looking for love.
you preyed on her. 
you took advantage of her.

you took her away from her family.
of the only woman who has been there for her.
since her birth.

her 'dad', whilst he was a willing participant in the making.
has not been a dad for her, her whole life.
did she not tell you of the time he left them at the convience store?
did she not tell you of the time where they had to move from their house in hours.
of the abuse. of the disgusting things he did.
so you, push her towards him.
because he would do anything to hurt her mother.
and being with you. a nasty, sleezy, slimeball is just the ticket.

was this a game to you?
my best friend told her dad.
that you were in fact a slimeball.
you didnt get a license.

are you trying to make them pay?
i wonder if this is a game to you.

not only did you hurt her family.
your games hurt her ex.
they hurt his family.
they hurt many relationships.

people supported you.
people were there for you.
and her mom was standing for truth.
not being ugly. 
not being hurtful.
but she stood for truth.

and you threw all that destruction away.
to destroy another family.
to destroy a child.

you have a daughter.
how. could. you.
how would you feel?
how. could. you.

why her?
did she have the same vulnerable look on her face?
this new path of destruction that you caused.
has caused a lot of hurt.

you hurt an adult.
this adult is blaming the child. 
this adult is hurt herself, and spewing hurt at a child.
this child has a family.
that is being hurt by the adult.
this adult has a family that is being hurt by the situation.
this adult has hurt her grandma. (no worries on that one in my eyes)
this adult is trying to gain victory.

but she is an adult tangled in the same pattern.
you killed this adult.
she will rise. 
im hoping that she will rise for good this time.
she took a big blow.
God can work it out.

how could you have wanted her back.
how could you.

this child.
this beautiful.

there is a very big difference in

there is a big difference in 
seventeen & three hundred and sixty days.
and eighteen. 

a big moral difference for a man of thirty one.

this child.
you hurt her.
you hurt her family.
you hurt her church.
you hurt her other church.
you hurt her youth group.
you hurt her friends.
you hurt her extended family.
you hurt everyone you touch.

im assuming finding out you are a pedophile.
hurt your wife again.
she probably wonders if her children are safe.
i know, that i do.
half of me knows they will be.
half of me knows you wont hurt them.
but the half of me that knows youre sleezy.
worries for them.

thats why im glad the police were called.
so hopefully, you can never have full custody.
hopefully, your sleeziness wont rub off on them. 

you are a pitiful excuse for a man.
you dont deserve happiness.
you dont deserve anything but misery.
you dont deserve anything but these same things happening to you.
but i would never wish that on your wife.
or your beautiful babies.




dearest sir.

you do realize that you are your own worst enemy, right?
you push away everything good in your life with your negativity.
you dont, honestly, care about other people. 
you think you do, but you dont.

you are so wrapped up in yourself.

if i called you right now, you would probably come.
not because of me, not because you love me.
not because you enjoy helping others.
but because of yourself, because you love being needed.

i have always stood up for you. 
i have always loved you, even through you being unlovable at times.
i have always wanted whats best for you.

i still do.
               somewhere in my heart.
i still want the best for you.
i dont want you to suffer.
i cringe because you allow yourself to repeat this same destructive cycle.

but that friday.
you changed my heart for you.
i want you well.
i want you to love God.
i want you to grow up.
but without my friendship.

you were so disgusting.
im not sure why ive ever allowed myself around that.

so im saying goodbye to you.
something i never thought i would do.
and whilst it hurt on that friday. 
it still hurt on that saturday.

it no longer hurts.

i love me more.

Monday, March 9, 2015


dearest self.

shut up.
stop talking.
dont keep moving your mouth.
zip your lips.


your agenda doesnt need to be heard.
your thoughts are not important.

doesnt require speaking.


the revelation.

Sunday, March 8, 2015


dearest self.

you are thirty one years old.
you are NOT a child.
you ARE an adult.

you, are the only one in control of YOUR life.
besides Jesus.

please stop letting OTHERS rule YOUR emotions.
please stop letting EXCUSES get in the way of MY happiness.
please stop letting YOUR flesh mandate what YOU do.
please get YOUR weight under control.

find the emotions.
let God have them.
turn it over.
YOU cant help ME.
only GOD can.

please stop.

a lack of planning on YOUR part,
doesnt mean an emergancy on MY part.

let me out.


Sunday, February 15, 2015


dearest God.

its amazing when you humble me.
i dont take kindly to it. 
at first.

you sent a lady to tell me.
then you sent your servant to tell me.
dawnellas message was the same at tcg.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13(MSG)The Way of LoveIf I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.Love never gives up.Love cares more for others than for self.Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.Love doesn’t strut,Doesn’t have a swelled head,Doesn’t force itself on others,Isn’t always “me first,”Doesn’t fly off the handle,Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,Doesn’t revel when others grovel,Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,Puts up with anything,Trusts God always,Always looks for the best,Never looks back,But keeps going to the end.8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.11 When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
 i will learn.
as with everyone else.
please be patient.

i am learning your love.

Friday, February 13, 2015

lost girl.

dearest lost girl.

you make it really.
really hard.
to love you like im supposed to.

Gods love.

be patient.

my flesh loathes you.
my heart loves you.
my mind is confused.


dearest sir.

i mean it when i say.
im sorry.

i dont know what happened.
honestly. as long as you are okay.
i dont want to know.

but. im sorry it couldnt be.
what you wanted it to be.

id rather have been wrong.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

lost girl.

dearest lost girl.

never never land is not real.

lands of make believe.
are exactly that.
make believe.

fairy tales.
are tales.
some call them tall tales.
not truths.

i spent a lot of time wondering why.
wondering why make believe is so easy to live in.
i do it. i talk to myself in the car.
i am thirty one years old.
i still pretend.

i wish i know what parts of you were pretend.
and what parts of you were real.

reality with you is something that im not sure.
super unsure, that ive actually seen.
have you always played a part?

i never used to care.
because you were just a girl.
a child.

you didnt matter to me.

until you did.
until i started to care for you.
until you became a part of something i was in.

you didnt matter to me.

until your pretend hurt my friend.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then me.

they all have names.
we all have a past.
thats why for every one of them.
if they havent forgiven you.
thats their issue.
i have. ive forgive you

you want everything.
but want to give make believe.
you want everything.
and return it for hurt.

as a 'christian'.
what am i supposed to give to you.
what am i supposed to do.


im supposed to love like Jesus.
with a love like Him.
the way hosea did.

and i will try.
i will try.
i will do my best.

i told someone that i care about.
someone that i think you will hurt.
someone whos family will hurt badly.
if you leave the destruction i think you will.

i told her to give you a chance.
i told her to try to know you.
because you have the power to be amazing.

please be amazing.
please leave nevernever land being.
be amazing.

be amazing in God.
in who i know you can be.

but im praying.
that even if hurt ensues.
that i will still love you.
like hosea.
like Jesus.
like i should.

be patient with me.

a real. live. girl.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015


dearest sickness.

i don't like you.
go away.
never come back.

in bed by 7

Monday, January 26, 2015

old friend

dearest old friend.

im proud of you.
i am not sure where you've been.
or even what you've done over the last few years.

but I can remember laying on the floor of your home.
praying that you would be okay.
praying that you would make it.
praying that you wouldn't be destroyed in the life you were pursuing.

you started off great.
had a pretty bad middle, as far as I can see.
but it's amazing to see the later middle.
it's amazing to see that you are back.
where you need to be.
with the new family you have.
new to everyone.

I'm proud of you for knowing your way back.
not everyone makes it back,
but you are back.
it's something to thank God for.

all of my childhood prayers were dedicated to you.


dearest self.

if you were really tired.
really tired.
of all the things that stay the same.
year after year.

you would change them.

you're obviously not done yet.

& that's sad.


Sunday, January 25, 2015


dearest sir.

i sat at the table. as they slandered you.
not terribly. but enough that i wanted to tell them they were wrong.
i wanted to clear your good name.
it wasnt your fault that youre blinded.

i couldnt even open my mouth to do so.
in that, im sorry. i should have.
i should have said what needed to be said.
i shouldnt let them have said anything about you.

i saw to much today. more than i asked to see.
in fact i asked to not be told anything at all.
but the people that would be, didnt keep it from my eyes
although i asked. i did..

i dont envy you.
being on the inside looking out.
i dont envy you one bit.
you cant see it.
you cant feel it.
the change. the shift.

when you do though.
when you realize the change was so much bigger than what you wanted.
i hate to think that it will be to late.
so i will hold out hope.
that you make it out alive.
in tact.



dearest readers.

i probably dont know you.
and thats why i feel free to say all that i am going to.
in short, non committal letters.
to people. things. situations that i need to speak to.
read them. dont read them.
your choice.

the writer.