God.

dearest God.

its amazing when you humble me.
i dont take kindly to it. 
at first.

you sent a lady to tell me.
then you sent your servant to tell me.
dawnellas message was the same at tcg.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13(MSG)The Way of Love1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.Love never gives up.Love cares more for others than for self.Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.Love doesn’t strut,Doesn’t have a swelled head,Doesn’t force itself on others,Isn’t always “me first,”Doesn’t fly off the handle,Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,Doesn’t revel when others grovel,Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,Puts up with anything,Trusts God always,Always looks for the best,Never looks back,But keeps going to the end.8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.11 When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

 i will learn.
as with everyone else.
please be patient.

sincerely.
i am learning your love.

lost girl.

dearest lost girl.

you make it really.
really.
really hard.
to love you like im supposed to.

hosea.
hosea.
hosea.
hosea.
Gods love.

be patient.

sincerely.
my flesh loathes you.
my heart loves you.
my mind is confused.

sir.

dearest sir.

i mean it when i say.
im sorry.

i dont know what happened.
honestly. as long as you are okay.
i dont want to know.

but. im sorry it couldnt be.
what you wanted it to be.

sincerely.
id rather have been wrong.

lost girl.

dearest lost girl.

never never land is not real.
right?

lands of make believe.
are exactly that.
make believe.

fairy tales.
are tales.
some call them tall tales.
not truths.

i spent a lot of time wondering why.
wondering why make believe is so easy to live in.
i do it. i talk to myself in the car.
i am thirty one years old.
i still pretend.

i wish i know what parts of you were pretend.
and what parts of you were real.

reality with you is something that im not sure.
super unsure, that ive actually seen.
have you always played a part?

i never used to care.
because you were just a girl.
a child.

you didnt matter to me.

until you did.
until i started to care for you.
until you became a part of something i was in.

you didnt matter to me.

until your pretend hurt my friend.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then another.
then me.

they all have names.
we all have a past.
thats why for every one of them.
if they havent forgiven you.
thats their issue.
i have. ive forgive you

you want everything.
but want to give make believe.
you want everything.
and return it for hurt.

as a 'christian'.
what am i supposed to give to you.
what am i supposed to do.

hosea.

im supposed to love like Jesus.
with a love like Him.
the way hosea did.

and i will try.
i will try.
i will do my best.

i told someone that i care about.
someone that i think you will hurt.
someone whos family will hurt badly.
if you leave the destruction i think you will.

i told her to give you a chance.
i told her to try to know you.
because you have the power to be amazing.

please be amazing.
please leave nevernever land being.
be amazing.

be amazing in God.
in who i know you can be.
please.

but im praying.
that even if hurt ensues.
that i will still love you.
like hosea.
like Jesus.
like i should.

be patient with me.

sincerely.
a real. live. girl.