God.

dearest God. 

matthew 5:38-48 in the message says...

Love Your Enemies

^38-42 “Here’s another old saying that deserves a second look: ‘Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.’ Is that going to get us anywhere? Here’s what I propose: ‘Don’t hit back at all.’ If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

^43-47 “You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
⁴⁸ “In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”

well hello conviction.
its nice to meet you.

so.
yesterday, i was feeling some kind of way.
wrote my feelings about sir.
wrote my feelings about johnny.
wrote my feelings about lost girl.

my feelings about sir.
havent changed.
i will not be a terrible human to him.
i will talk to him.
i will see him.
but i wont seek his friendship.
i will allow him to seek mine if he wants to.
but currently he cannot text or call me. 
i dont plan on changing that anytime soon.
i dont plan on bad mouthing him.
i dont plan on letting others badmouth him.
i dont want to see him as anything other than well.
i pray that You touch him.
that You be what he needs.

show him that You are real.
show him that Your love is the only thing that will make him whole. 
he seeks love with his whole being.
he seeks satisfaction and want. 
he wont find it. in anything other than You.
be his love. be his light. be his God.

about johnny.
i know i should be repentant on how i feel about him.

brother bill says:
You wont give me grace to get over my issue with him.
because the issue didnt start with me.

honestly,
i dont hope he dies.
i dont hope that someone does to his children
     what he did to the child. 

i just dont care about him.
is that bad? 

is it bad that i dont wish him well.
i dont wish him bad either.
i just dont care.

i hope his wife.
and his children are okay.
i hope they florioush.
i hope that You take care of them.
i pray that they grow up.
in a healthy, God loving manner.

i pray that his mom and family are okay.
i pray that they are blessed beyond measure.

i just dont care about him.

help me to care about him.
help me to be able to pray for him.
and actually care what happens to him.
i dont need him in my life.
You know, i do not want him in my life.
but help me to forgive him enough to care.
about his soul.

no matter the turmoil that he has put us through.
(i say us, because his actions effected and affected many more than he will ever know)
he has a soul. that needs You.
in a way he has never known.
touch his heart Jesus.
keep him away from here.
but touch his heart Jesus.

the lost girl.
i dont feel conviction about her.
i just want her well.
i want her happy in You. 

yesterday i read this blog post
on earth as it is in heaven - it is rainy season again 

i wanted to leave work.
and pray.
     just pray.
i wanted to ask You.
let her see You.
let her see You at work.
let her light shine so brightly for You.

i know that she is hurting.
i know that she might feel lost.
i know all of that.
but please show her... You. 

let her have the eyes to see You.
in the small things.
in the things that hurt.
in her despair.
in her healing.

let her see. You.

sincerely.
convicted.